The Barr Code
Regulation of the Day
Barely a Blog by ilana mercer
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ArticlesYou Must Provide Your Goat Herder a Comfy Bed!
We Must Inspect Your Wood before You Can Play It!
Raw Milk is for Cows, Not You!
Keep Your Mutt Out of the Bar!
You Must Give Your Babysitter Rest, Meal Breaks and Minimum Wage!
You May Not Raise Fat Kids!
Lock Your Car!
Marriage Contract Requires Performance of Sexual Act or Fine!
No Paper OR Plastic for You!
Your Truck is No Place for Nuts!
Save a Woodpecker and We Will Fine Your Mommy!
Growing Creatures that Suck Will Cost You Some Bucks!
Your Horse-Drawn Buggy Will Display a Safety Triangle to Make It Safer!
Your Child's Weight Shall Be Reported to the State!
If the Sheet Doesn't Fit, We Will Not Acquit!
You Must Wait in Line for Tickets Like Everyone Else!
Register Your Tobacco Company with the State or Face Jail!
You May Host a Bible Study Group in Your Home with the Proper Permit!
Your Pharmacist Must Approve Your Energy Drink Consumption!
You Must Use a Green Asthma Inhaler to Save the Ozone Layer!
You May Tightrope Walk Niagara Falls but Not Wave Sparklers!
Your Business Must Display Our Poster!
Displaying a Cross is a Public Safety Issue. You Will Be Fined!
You May Not Clap During Council Meetings! This is Not a Ball Game!
Saying God Bless You is Disrespectful and Shall Be Penalized!
In Denmark, We Will Tax Fat Until You Stop Eating Crap!
Rosary Beads are Clearly Gang Symbols and Must Not Be Worn to School!
You can Drink Raw Milk, Just Don't Sell It!
On Second Thought, Energy Drinks are Not Drugs But You Will Be Sternly Warned!
You May Only Have Ketchup with French Fries!
Minors May Not Use Tanning Beds. Using the Sun is Permitted, For Now!
Balloons are Dangerous and Must Not Be Blown Up By Children!
Teddy Bears Must Be Machine Washable to Prevent Cooties!
Your Kids Treehouse Must Comply with All Zoning Laws!
Headgear is a Sure Sign of Criminal Intent. No Headgear in Our Stores!
You Still May Not Toss Dwarfs in the Bar!
Thanksgiving is Insensitive and Shall Be Banned!
Baseball Players Must Stop Chewing Tobacco for the Children!
In Louisiana You May Not Sell Second Hand Goods for Cash!
Halloween Costumes are Disruptive and Shall Be Banned from the Classroom!
Butter Shall Be Treated Better than that Unhealthy Knockoff Margarine!
Plastic Bags Shall be Banned in Austin
Your Nanny State May Provide Diapers for You
No Drinking Alcohol in the Baseball Clubhouse for the Children
Zombies and Ghouls May Be Banned from Classrooms at Our Discretion
Deodorant Commercials May Not Contain Sexy Angels that Fall for Mortals
Transport Officials May Never Play Golf. Our Spies are Watching!
Australians Must Wear Ugly Bicycle Helmets, The Uglier the Better
No Smoking in the Park or Even 50 Feet Away From It
No Dining in the Nude, It is Unhygienic and Causes Appetite Loss
You May Not Use Your Own Personal Gadgets for Work
Trim Your Weeds or Pay $1200 Per Day
All Bikers Must Wear a Helmet, Especially Influential Actors in Movie Posters
Perfume Ads May Not Be Sexually Provocative
All Cigarette Packs Must be Olive Green with Graphic Warnings
No Wearing American Flag Shirts during Mexican Holidays in American Schools
Nine Miles Per Hour is Too Fast for Your Bicycle
You May Not Drive Your Food Truck Down Main Street
Smoking in Your Car is Unhealthy and Should Be Banned
No Fake Grass, Your Front Yard is Not a Football Field
Water May Not Hydrate You Unless We Approve
You May Not Tweet Disparaging Remarks about Your Leaders
Feeding Your Child like a Fattened Hog is Grounds for Foster Care
Hard Balls are Too Dangerous for Recess
No Texting Obscenities, Dammit
You May Not Kill Zombies
Calling Your Teacher Cute is Sexual Harassment
Kicking a Bully in the Groin is Sexual Harassment Because Nuts are Involved
No Posting Offensive Material on the Internet, Starting Now, Starting Now...
Farm Kids Should Stick to Virtual Farming, but Be Wary of Carpal Tunnel
The Virgin Mary Belongs with Jesus, Not in Your Yard
If You Cannot Afford a Belt, the Nanny State Shall Provide One
You Must Recycle Cat Litter, for the Planet
You May Not Eat Christmas Cookies in School
Religious Items May Not Be Used in the Hospital
No Waving Your Gun Shaped Pizza Slices at Other Students
Return Your Library Book or We Will Send Some Associates to Pick It Up
No Racy Yearbook Photos
Register Your Pregnancy with the State So We Can Take Care of You
Your Fat Kid May Be Electronically Monitored
You May Not Own More than Seven Dogs without a Permit
Rats Must be Relocated Not Exterminated
You May Not Offend Older Women by Selecting a Cougar Mascot
Your Dog May Only Bark for 10 Minutes
Toy Characters May Not have Slim, Healthy Figures
No Sharing Inhalers Like Common Druggies
Show Your ID if you Want Some Sugar
Kids May Not Smoke Fake Cigarettes
Parents Must Pay a Heavy Fine for their Tardy Students
No Wearing Pajamas in Public
Take Your Wife on a Nice Date. We recommend Red Lobster and Bowling.
Teachers May Not Say 'Shit' in Arizona
Innutritious Homemade Lunches Shall Be Replaced with Mystery Meat Nuggets
No Smoking on the Beach in Rhode Island
The Dead in Illinois May Not Have Sex, Voting is Still OK
King Sized Candy Reserved for Political Royalty
Do Not Park Your Roach Coach Near Our Schools
You Have the Right to Bear Arms Unless We Say It is a Toy
You Will Be Arrested for Bad Parenting, if Your 4 Year Old Draws a Gun
You May Smoke Anywhere, Except Outside Your House
Minors Must Bring their Parents to the Tanning Parlor, to the Beach is Optional
No Making Butter, especially Blindfolded, in L.A. Schools
Food Stamps Shall Be for the Poor and Lottery Winners
No Posting Signs for Your Long Lost Dog. Let Him Go.
No Wearing Crosses at Work
No Feeding the Homeless Outdoors in Philly. Especially, Philly Cheesesteaks.
No Advertising Cheese on TV in Ireland before 9 PM
You Will Wear a Bicycle Helmet in Manitoba Canada
No Nerf Guns in Your Easter Basket. They are clearly Gateway Guns to Uzi's.
No BFF's in School
No Using Sexist Slurs like Crack Ho on LA Radio. Rap Music is Still OK
No Hugging in School. You might contract Cooties or a Best Friend
You May Not Smoke in Your Apartment Complex
No Skinny Models, Eat a Sandwich or Something
New York Tests May Not Mention Controversial Subjects such as Birthdays and Dinosaurs
Unauthorized Baptisms May Lead to Jail Time
You May Not Do Anything Deemed Offensive by the State of Arizona on the Internet
Ice Cream Trucks May Be Banned to Prevent Temper Tantrums
No Selling Candy for School Fundraisers, Wash a Car or Something
Hairdressers May Not Wear High Heels
No Pants On the Groud in Court
No Hugging the Teacher
No Hiring Smokers
On Second Thought, Teachers May Date Students, Just Not Hug Them
You Can Name Your Company Anything as Long as We Approve
You Will Pay $100 Tax per Cigarette Pack in New Zealand
Farm Kids May Not Farm
Your License Plate May Not Offend Dead People
No Happy Hour in New York City
No Texting on Your Bike in California. You May Still Ride It For Now
Pay $20 for Public Cursing
You May Not Sing About Yourself Being Sexy in School, Even If You Know It
The Racist Terms Whitelist and Blacklist Shall Be Blacklisted
You Will Be Fined For Bragging About Your Great Rack
On Second Thought, You May Have Bake Sales for School Fundraisers in Massachusetts
You May Not Display Your Truck Nuts to the Public in South Carolina
If You Cannot Make the Grade, We Will Lower the Bar For You
Nice Officers Shall Pay You a Courtesy Call if You Forget to Return Library Books
Turn Off the Soda Machine During Lunch or Pay $15,000
Pay a 20 Percent Tax on Unhealthy Food and Drinks
On Second Thought, You May Blog About Your Nipples
Condoms Shall be Provided at Prom
Extreme Speeders Shall Surrender their Vehicles
No Biggie Size Sodas in New York City
No Singing Patriotic Songs at Graduation in America
You May Still Drink Biggie Size Sodas in London
Mow Your Lawn or Pay $10,000
No High Fives or Hugs in School
No Taking Photos of Your School Lunch. Gross.
No Biggie Size Sodas in Cambridge Massachusetts Either
No Applying Sunscreen Lotion at School without a Prescription
Pay $2000 for Feeding Wild Turkeys
No Bikinis on the Boardwalk
Your Vehicle Must Have a Breathalyzer Test in It in France
No Fourth of July Celebration. You Might Disturb the Birds
You May Not Distribute Bibles at Gay Pride Events in Wisconsin
You Shall Live in Tiny Apartments
No Smoking in Your Apartment
Hospitals Must Hide Baby Formula to Promote Breast Feeding
Students Shall be Paid to Attend Summer School
You Will Be Punished for Your Childs Sidewalk Chalk Vandalism
No Collecting Rainwater on Your Own Property
Students Shall Be Given Shoes to Show Up for Class
Olympians Should Not Eat Egg McMuffins
Valedictorians May Not Give Em Hell
No Free Range Kids
Comedians May Not Smoke on Stage
No Songs about Touching at Penn State
Your Name Hand Sign May Not Be a Gun
No Smoking in Lebanon
No Homework for Elementary Students
No Dogs Allowed
Gang Symbols such as Rosary Beads are Banned from School
Students Shall Be Provided Morning After Pills
Register Your Dangerous Dog
Students Shall Be Tracked or Else
Students Must be Protected from Harmful Substances like Tea
Minors May Not Purchase Shooting Magazines
No French Homework
No Large Sodas in D.C.
Vending Machines May Not Contain Junk Food
You Must Have a Smokers License to Buy Cigarettes
No Eating and Driving in Huron, South Dakota
No Rare Meat
No Selling Candy Cigarettes
Keep Those Finger Guns Holstered
Pigs are for Plates not Pets
We Might Let You Say Insulting Things
No Imaginary Guns
No Terrorizing Other Students with Your Bubble Gun Threats
Toilet Paper must be Checked Out
No Soda or Candy for Lunch
Minors May Not Play Arcade Shooting Games
You May Not Wear a Marines Shirt Promoting Guns at School
No Pop Tart Guns at School
Keep Your Butts Off the Stage
On Second Thought, You May Drink Large Sodas
No Smoking in Your Car with Minors Present
Tobacco May Not Be Displayed in New York
No Dodgeball at School
The Easter Bunny Must Wear Protection
Women May Not Use Mobile Phones
No More Bottled Water
All Your Kids are Belong to Us
Students Shall Learn Arabic
No Characters in Times Square
No More Plastic Bags in Huntington Beach
No Running Backwards
No Saggy Pants in Louisiana
No Smoking While Driving
You May Not Display your Weapon Rudely in Texas
No Driving and Texting in Texas
Owners of Aggressive Dogs Must Be Vetted
No Tools at School
No Dirty T-Shirts
School Shirts May Not Be Weaponized
You Shall Pay a Fat Tax
You Must Be 21 To Smoke
You Must Pass a Scooter Safety Course
Students will Not Learn Gun Safety in Texas
Baby Names Must be Approved
You May Not Be a Redneck If...
Your Child May Not Appear in Your Yearbook Photo
No Eating Meat In School
All Your Seeds are Belong to Us
Your Pencil May Not Be Used as a Gun
You May Not Spend Your Welfare Check on Strippers and Liquor
Welfare Checks Must Be Spent On Healthy Foods
Maybe We Will Let You Display Your Museum Guns
You Must Be Licensed to Work the Streets
No Butter For You!
You Do Not have the Right to Bear 3D Printed Arms
You May Not Instagram the Mug Shot of Your Principal
Graduation Songs May Not Be Religious
Let Them Eat Insects
New Yorkers Only Need Seven Bullets To Defend Themselves
Graduation Ceremony Participants Must Be Vaccinated
On Second Thought, You May Untuck Your Shirt
We May Arrest You for Simply Smelling a Beer Before You Drive
You Must Insure Your Right To Carry Guns
Yearbook Pics May Not Contain Your Pregnant Belly
You Will Not Use Styrofoam In Portland, Maine
Good Samaritans May Not Feed Parking Meters
Dangerous Dog Owners Shall Have $1 Million Insurance Policies
You May Be an Adult But Not Smoke in New Jersey